As much as I want to let it go, I must admit I can not.
The past is a part of me. It cries for my attention like that of a hungry child. It dances on the eve of my saddest memories. Even when I’ve convinced myself that I’m released from its grip, somehow it slithers back into my life. Like today.
The familiar notification icon appeared before me. I was eager to see who the message was from. But when I looked at the face, it was that of my sister… She had sent me a message.. Why? I felt the urge to protect myself rise. But instead found myself searching through her page. I gazed at images of her and my father. Her and my brother. Her and my Aunt and Mother. I looked at her picture again. Memories mixed with unhealthy emotions pushed their way to the forefront of my mind. Why did she insist on inconsistently messaging me? Like the pictures of her daughter…
I’d stared at the small stranger on my screen for hours, unsure on how to feel or react. Wasnt I supposed to feel something? A smile should have been on my face right? I was technically an Aunt…I guess. But I feared for the child. Would she suffer the same fate as I? Would she be doomed to my life? But what did my thoughts matter. The little one wasn’t my family. Family is more than technicalities and DNA. There is an undisputed bound. A mutual love and understanding. I’ve always lacked that with my relatives. So the baby remains a stranger in my inbox.
As does the subject of her new message. She explained that a person from my past was wondering about me in New York. Why? I’ve been gone 4 years and now that I’m making noise in the world you wonder about me? Why? What is the purpose of the inquisition? To satisfy the selfish need of knowing what you do not? Why can’t I live in peace?
But maybe it wouldnt matter if I wasnt so broken. I can feel me now, shattering into those familiar pieces. I’ve reassembled my heart too many times to count. I’m tired of the creeping sadness. Does it make me a monster to want to start a new? To leave them all behind. I just want my life to be mine. No more messages. No more calls. Gosh what is wrong with me?
All she did was message me, yet I can’t stop crying.
(Tomorrow I’ll write a happy post. Because I am overall happy and truly blessed. Its just the family stuff gets me down. Wish it didn’t)
Wakeupmomo 