To be a crayon

I am not Forest Gump. But this is how I see it.

Life is like a crayon box. There are a multitude of colors/people. Each unique and perfect for their own situations. Though, as society pushes ideals, concepts, and discrimination most colors become ignored. As colors are overlooked, others become over used, and some discontinued. People strive to be what’s sought out instead of who they were intended to be. But my favorite crayon boxes were always the ones with the most options, the most possibilities.

So I will always want to be uniquely colored…
will you?

Whoooop!

So I am 10 lbs lighter! yay!

But the struggle is so real. I mean Insanity is crazy. Shaun T is nuts. and I’m outta shape. lol but my mind and body love it. Truly. I feel so much better. I have more energy and I am sore all the time. Today my laugh struggled to escape through the restraints of my belly. I have a hearty laugh that comes from the bellows of my soul. Hahaha no. but I do have a good laugh that comes from my gut and after working my (deeeply hidden) abs, it hurts to chuckle and I love it.

So I cant wait to lose 20 more. Then 20 more. Then 20 more. lol

Here’s to a better me!
hip hip horray!

 

Father’s Day

I didn’t post yesterday because I don’t celebrate the holiday.

My father and I aren’t close and never have been. I don’t consider him to be a good role model or person. But somehow through all the pain he’s caused I love him. I just can never allow myself to be around him to tell him, because I know he will find some way to hurt me. I have a poem that I wrote he’ll never hear it, but it is for him.

To Love You

…..the clot of your words.

your words, those words.

hurt me. pain me.

pull me down to the depth of my own inner hell.

those words, your words.

are like the ivy of the vine.

Poison like my time with you.

seeing

through you.

Damn.

in the silence of the storm

i can still feel you.

hear you.

i know you, don’t care

but do you know me?

can you.

see me?

feel me?

you are in me?

through me?

your words, those words.

cut me.

bleeding.

inside and out.

how can you not. hear me?

crying.

i’m crying. slowing hiding.

into an unconscious hiding.

i’m hiding.

from your words, those words.

of shameful praise.

shameful.

praise.

the only praise. I gain, in your wake.

Your Wake a casket to be full.

staring.

down I see you. and

those words.

your words.

I pray

that they died too…

So I can finally give you flowers

Daddy.

I love you

 

I DID IT!!

Last time I posted it was about the mixtape I was putting out on the 9th of June. I’m proud to say that I did it! I put out a mixtape that I recorded all myself on garageband. Most of it sounds awesome considering the program I used, but there are 2 songs that could definitely use some work. The reception from it has been awesome truly. So many people have told me that they loved it and wanted to hear more. I’m really humbled and inspired. I want to get better. Have access to more. Hopefully if I keep chasing my dream, things will change.

I learned a great deal about marketing and how to post and work social media during this whole process. It taught me the different social media covers I should make and how they look. I made a cohesive campaign for my mixtape. Take a look and take a listen!

mixtape cover

mixtape back cover

 personal facebook cover

artist facebook cover page

twitter’s cover page

bandcamp’s cover page

and a silly pic

 

Am I ready?

Welp 3 days till I drop my mixtape. I still have a lot of work to do. But I feel like the Erykah Badu song I just covered taught me a lot. I’ve been using garageband and I’m just now learning about different presets and what they do. Youtube has helped tremendously. I’m a little bit scared that I will drop the mixtape and no one will hear it or think its lame. I mean I like it. But idk. I feel like with music its different because if you love it, but no one else does…is there true joy in that? Aren’t gifts meant to be shared? Eh idk.

I know one thing the people I know who are producers are killing me with these questions about my mixtape. “So what studio you going to?” “Are you recording everything with just ya laptop?” “Why don’t you come to my studio?” All this yet when I actually respond to their messages they never hit me back up. Sigh. I’m over that. I am doing this because no one else would help and I’m ok with that. But don’t keep reminding me that my sound wont be professional. What good does that do me?

Sigh. I know many of you probably wont click the link. But to the maybe 1 in 35 persons who will, here is the Erykah Badu bag lady cover I just did. Mind you it doesn’t sound like her version. Bag Lady

Lets see what I can do with the 3 days I have left.

June 9th

I’ve been Living in Blue.

The Blues, known for its blue notes, with blue tones, of flattened pitches and sad rhymes, thrived during the 1920s – 50s. I sometimes wish I had been present for those moments of true music, when it was developing, molding, and changing, just to get a glimpse of the real thing. I wish I could have been there in the atmosphere of jazz. To snap my fingers and move and groove with the bands back then.

Sadly, I am in the present, where finding my music lover live is harder than ever. I have to wait for organized events and specific months to get the fix I need. Jazz and God two things that I cant live without and yet I’ve been without. Just Living in Blue, not chasing my dreams just existing.  I see why now when I sleep my dreams no longer visit, because I never woke up to make them realities.

But that’s over now. I’m stepping up. Putting my poetry to beats and melodies. I’m putting out music on June 9th. with 9 tracks. No it will not be mastered, no it will not be mixed. It will just be me, purely. For I refuse to wait for the help of others any longer. The more I wait, the more I die inside. I can withstand my life’s color no more. No more living in Blue.

June 9th. 9 tracks.