This morning I discovered that my Mom was in a wreck….
Sadness and fear washed over me as I realized…she could be critically hurt, she could be dying, maybe even paralyzed…and I wouldn’t know. I found out about the wreck by viewing my sister’s facebook. Facebook, the only connection we have. For we don’t speak in person. Her pride and my sorrow wont allow the physical contact needed for I love you. No she and I are only internet related. So I’m left digging up information about those I love who don’t reciprocate it. Sad. She’s in another country and would know before me.
The right of being a daughter was never mine was it? I don’t even know how the accident happened or when. I can’t tell you if my Mom’s ok or not. What if she died…how would I know? What if my sister didn’t publicize it? I’d be lost. Can I even say I’d be as affected by it as everyone else who actually gets to hear her, see her, love her? I’ve missed my mother for years as if she was already gone or maybe as if I was already gone… I’m dead to the family right? Once she found out I wanted to write a book on my life, that was it. The last straw. The thin threading holding us together was cut that easily. I’m already dead to my father. He tried to beat me to the point that death happened metaphorically. Maybe I’ll always have to wear frames. Find a way to need glasses permanently to hide my face, it looks just like her, but rounder. Loose the weight and becoming a spitting image of the person I’ve been chasing my whole life. Reaching but never grasping. Once we had some sort of relationship. No it wasn’t honest or that deep because the past was never discussed. I forgave her but she wont forgive herself and thus me.
Sadness cloaks me today. Wrapped tightly in its embrace, I don’t even feel like fighting it right now. It’s my only comfort. My companion since the first hit, the first smack, the nails digging into my ankle…sadness was there. What if I die tomorrow…how would she know? How would my dad know? I want to reach out now but I know I’m blocked. I wish it didn’t always hurt. I wasn’t always reminded that I’m alone. Born into something I cant claim as my own. What’s it like to be a daughter?…one day if I ever get the chance I’ll have to ask my sister.
Pray for my mother. I know she needs it.
wakeupmomo.
Wakeupmomo 