I’ve been meaning to write about this.
(*warning long post*)
Last year, I was given the opportunity to finally achieve one of my life long dreams of being a singer. I’ve always wanted to sing since I was a kid but stage fright kept me from taking solos. Choir directions, theater teachers, friends and others would hear my voice and try to prompt me forward, but my confidence was too low. My voice shook with fear and doubt. I know a lot of it was due to my default parents and how they treated me, what they thought of me. How they spoke to me and didn’t. But even with the low confidence, I always knew I could sing. I knew if I could get past the fear, I’d be amazing.
So to now, be at a place where I felt like I could take the opportunity was so huge for me! I was so excited about being in a band and performing. Bah! Me a singer. Ha. It was my first time having a singing gig. Like a real one where you show up every week and gotta give to the crowd. I’ve hosted shows before but man this was a whole new ball game. So I learned songs and gave my all. And while it was an awesome experience, it wasn’t meant to last.
It’s sad to say but I always felt awkward. I would ask band members if we could practice and they would leave my messages on read. (lmao no lie) I felt a bit crazy after a while because it made me feel like I was asking for too much. I even googled do bands practice because of how annoyed or non-interested everyone acted. lol Google told me “Most bands aim to rehearse 1-2 times per week for 3-4 hours at a time“. I knew I wasn’t crazy but still I felt that way. I wanted us to practice and to find our groove and while they were all great musicians, everyone no matter who needs to practice. Plus I like jamming and folks playing with the notes, but it was super straight forward. They only aimed to play songs like dry paint. For instance Erykah Badu, they played her music as if there was no Badu and her name was spelt like Erica. You catch my drift?
So I performed but it felt so forced. I felt like I was “performing” If that makes sense. Not genuine. Not just being myself and singing. It sucked. So much so that it started making me not like my favorite songs. I took the neo-soul songs off the set except one because the vibe was missing. It felt like a job. I started dreading the day I had to perform. Plus I was being sent new songs a day before the show to learn. Like if I had to sing on Monday, Sunday at 11pm sometimes 12am which is technically Monday, I’d be sent a song and the band leader would say, okay we are going to do this tomorrow. It was nerve-racking for me to not be able to practice with the band before performing them live. I tried to talk to some band mates and they said they felt like I needed to sing in different keys, (lmao like no). There was no chance for me to add individuality. I had to sing popular songs. And the crowd, booo just stare. I mean not always, like some people would say they loved my voice. Folks even said they wish the band was quieter. People started recognizing me out in the city. But still it was a messsss.
I truly wondered if it was me. Was the ideals and feelings I had about myself and my talent wrong? Did I misinterpret myself? Was I just like a weird ass music narcissist. Was I tone deaf. I’d seen myself in my mind performing and vibing with large crowds since I was a kid and I for the first time, I thought dang was I trippin.
So I left. One day the band leader said they wanted to do a duet, lol me and another male singer. Haha but remember, no practice. So I was going to have to just show up and wing it with someone I’d never heard, with a band I never practiced with. Lmao yea right. I bounced. God presented me with an out, and I took it. I felt so relieved and sad. Relieved because I was free! But sad because I really was genuinely excited about the opportunity and I couldn’t believe it turned out that way. I kinda felt like a failure. Like dang, my first singing gig and I quit. But at the same time, I was happy because even with it not working out, it helped me tremendously get over my nerves. I was so nervous before and my voice would shake. Even during our first show, ugh it was awful. But after 2 months of performing with them that was gone. I could show up and sing, do my job.
Fast forward to November, I saw an acoustic set at a lounge and saw how intimate and chill it was. I’ve always liked relaxing and grooving, and I realized it was more of my vibe. So at this Jazz bar that I frequent often, I asked the owner if maybe one day he’d let me do a gig upstairs. See upstairs is like a little lounge. It gives living room vibes. And the owner told me if I got a band, he’d give me a time slot! So I made it a goal to create my own.
Well around that same time, I believe December, a new guy moved out here. He’s an awesome musician who plays almost everything. After hearing him kill it on the trumpet, learning he played the keys, and him hearing me sing, I asked him (with encouragement of a friend) if he’d want to be in a band. He said yes! So I had my first member. We chilled at my place a couple times and wrote out songs, I explained the vibe and my goal for the music to make sure we aligned and we did! Then he recommended a drummer. It was a person I’d never heard of or seen, but I was game for it. And ya’ll the drummer is so fire! Like a God send. Then the drummer after coming to our first practice, asked if he could invite a friend to play bass who also plays guitar and I was like sure. Ya’ll it turned out to be this guy who is like my favorite guitarist. Lmao I was so shocked to see that man.
We had a week to get a set list and practice together for our first show. It was rushed, because a band had moved away, so on a random night the Owner said hey you got next week. Ha so we had 3 practices to prepare. Then we had our first show it was coo, but I was sick as hell. The next show was hella better but one of our members was missing. So Janurary 2nd, was our first official show with no one sick and all the members present and it was PACKED! The vibe was IMMACULATE! Folks stood the whole hour set. People danced. Another trumpet player who was traveling even joined in. The energy was euphoric! And I felt so validated. It was so lifting. Made me feel like I wasn’t crazy and my vision was true. This band we practice, every week. We do originals and different song arrangements, MY song arrangements. We jam and groove. Last night was our 2nd performance full band. Packed again. At the end of the show people lmao were walking past hugging me. Everyone was so filled with gratitude as they thanked me for performing. One guy gave a review that sounded like he was a music blog writer. Haha. And the tips was TIPPPPIN. Apparently we broke the record for tips at the place. But more importantly we all smiled and laughed through the whole thing. Jamming and grooving. True joy and happiness.
But I say all this to say, keep going. Sometimes things will be weird. You may feel like the odd one out and the first time may not be meant for you. It may take years. It may take months. Multiple tries. (Like do ya’ll know how many times I’ve tried to have a band?! tuh. a bih even tried in London. Portland, Atlanta, and Chicago. I’ve been trying for yeeeeeears) But lisssten. You keep trying, keep going and eventually you WILL find your way.
I’ve never felt this chill and happy before playing music. We literally are all fans of each other and music. We all grateful to be playing with each other. No one has ego. It is blessing and I am overwhelmed with gratitude and joy. All the trials and tribulations were worth it to get to this place. I get excited about practice. I get giddy before a show. I cant wait to see what the year and more years has in store for us. I promise it will get bigger. I promise I will be doing more. But yea. God is great and I am dope. I’m so glad I kept trying and continue to grow.
My goal now is to get more comfortable with high notes. When I perform in loud spaces I can’t usually hear myself which forces me to stay in the low register since I am an alto. But in the space we have, I can hear. It’s quieter so it sounds like when I’m home singing. With that being the feeling, I’m sure I can master high notes and kill it even more. I’ve snuck some in these last couple of shows. But I’m really trying to be vocal gymnast. Anyways. I’m so happy and this year has started off amazingly well.
Keep going.