The Theme is Keep Going

I’ve been meaning to write about this.

(*warning long post*)

Last year, I was given the opportunity to finally achieve one of my life long dreams of being a singer. I’ve always wanted to sing since I was a kid but stage fright kept me from taking solos. Choir directions, theater teachers, friends and others would hear my voice and try to prompt me forward, but my confidence was too low. My voice shook with fear and doubt. I know a lot of it was due to my default parents and how they treated me, what they thought of me. How they spoke to me and didn’t. But even with the low confidence, I always knew I could sing. I knew if I could get past the fear, I’d be amazing.

So to now, be at a place where I felt like I could take the opportunity was so huge for me! I was so excited about being in a band and performing. Bah! Me a singer. Ha. It was my first time having a singing gig. Like a real one where you show up every week and gotta give to the crowd. I’ve hosted shows before but man this was a whole new ball game. So I learned songs and gave my all. And while it was an awesome experience, it wasn’t meant to last.

It’s sad to say but I always felt awkward. I would ask band members if we could practice and they would leave my messages on read. (lmao no lie) I felt a bit crazy after a while because it made me feel like I was asking for too much. I even googled do bands practice because of how annoyed or non-interested everyone acted. lol Google told me “Most bands aim to rehearse 1-2 times per week for 3-4 hours at a time“. I knew I wasn’t crazy but still I felt that way. I wanted us to practice and to find our groove and while they were all great musicians, everyone no matter who needs to practice. Plus I like jamming and folks playing with the notes, but it was super straight forward. They only aimed to play songs like dry paint. For instance Erykah Badu, they played her music as if there was no Badu and her name was spelt like Erica. You catch my drift?

So I performed but it felt so forced. I felt like I was “performing” If that makes sense. Not genuine. Not just being myself and singing. It sucked. So much so that it started making me not like my favorite songs. I took the neo-soul songs off the set except one because the vibe was missing. It felt like a job. I started dreading the day I had to perform. Plus I was being sent new songs a day before the show to learn. Like if I had to sing on Monday, Sunday at 11pm sometimes 12am which is technically Monday, I’d be sent a song and the band leader would say, okay we are going to do this tomorrow. It was nerve-racking for me to not be able to practice with the band before performing them live. I tried to talk to some band mates and they said they felt like I needed to sing in different keys, (lmao like no). There was no chance for me to add individuality. I had to sing popular songs. And the crowd, booo just stare. I mean not always, like some people would say they loved my voice. Folks even said they wish the band was quieter. People started recognizing me out in the city. But still it was a messsss.

I truly wondered if it was me. Was the ideals and feelings I had about myself and my talent wrong? Did I misinterpret myself? Was I just like a weird ass music narcissist. Was I tone deaf. I’d seen myself in my mind performing and vibing with large crowds since I was a kid and I for the first time, I thought dang was I trippin.

So I left. One day the band leader said they wanted to do a duet, lol me and another male singer. Haha but remember, no practice. So I was going to have to just show up and wing it with someone I’d never heard, with a band I never practiced with. Lmao yea right. I bounced. God presented me with an out, and I took it. I felt so relieved and sad. Relieved because I was free! But sad because I really was genuinely excited about the opportunity and I couldn’t believe it turned out that way. I kinda felt like a failure. Like dang, my first singing gig and I quit. But at the same time, I was happy because even with it not working out, it helped me tremendously get over my nerves. I was so nervous before and my voice would shake. Even during our first show, ugh it was awful. But after 2 months of performing with them that was gone. I could show up and sing, do my job.

Fast forward to November, I saw an acoustic set at a lounge and saw how intimate and chill it was. I’ve always liked relaxing and grooving, and I realized it was more of my vibe. So at this Jazz bar that I frequent often, I asked the owner if maybe one day he’d let me do a gig upstairs. See upstairs is like a little lounge. It gives living room vibes. And the owner told me if I got a band, he’d give me a time slot! So I made it a goal to create my own.

Well around that same time, I believe December, a new guy moved out here. He’s an awesome musician who plays almost everything. After hearing him kill it on the trumpet, learning he played the keys, and him hearing me sing, I asked him (with encouragement of a friend) if he’d want to be in a band. He said yes! So I had my first member. We chilled at my place a couple times and wrote out songs, I explained the vibe and my goal for the music to make sure we aligned and we did! Then he recommended a drummer. It was a person I’d never heard of or seen, but I was game for it. And ya’ll the drummer is so fire! Like a God send. Then the drummer after coming to our first practice, asked if he could invite a friend to play bass who also plays guitar and I was like sure. Ya’ll it turned out to be this guy who is like my favorite guitarist. Lmao I was so shocked to see that man.

We had a week to get a set list and practice together for our first show. It was rushed, because a band had moved away, so on a random night the Owner said hey you got next week. Ha so we had 3 practices to prepare. Then we had our first show it was coo, but I was sick as hell. The next show was hella better but one of our members was missing. So Janurary 2nd, was our first official show with no one sick and all the members present and it was PACKED! The vibe was IMMACULATE! Folks stood the whole hour set. People danced. Another trumpet player who was traveling even joined in. The energy was euphoric! And I felt so validated. It was so lifting. Made me feel like I wasn’t crazy and my vision was true. This band we practice, every week. We do originals and different song arrangements, MY song arrangements. We jam and groove. Last night was our 2nd performance full band. Packed again. At the end of the show people lmao were walking past hugging me. Everyone was so filled with gratitude as they thanked me for performing. One guy gave a review that sounded like he was a music blog writer. Haha. And the tips was TIPPPPIN. Apparently we broke the record for tips at the place. But more importantly we all smiled and laughed through the whole thing. Jamming and grooving. True joy and happiness.

But I say all this to say, keep going. Sometimes things will be weird. You may feel like the odd one out and the first time may not be meant for you. It may take years. It may take months. Multiple tries. (Like do ya’ll know how many times I’ve tried to have a band?! tuh. a bih even tried in London. Portland, Atlanta, and Chicago. I’ve been trying for yeeeeeears) But lisssten. You keep trying, keep going and eventually you WILL find your way.

I’ve never felt this chill and happy before playing music. We literally are all fans of each other and music. We all grateful to be playing with each other. No one has ego. It is blessing and I am overwhelmed with gratitude and joy. All the trials and tribulations were worth it to get to this place. I get excited about practice. I get giddy before a show. I cant wait to see what the year and more years has in store for us. I promise it will get bigger. I promise I will be doing more. But yea. God is great and I am dope. I’m so glad I kept trying and continue to grow.

My goal now is to get more comfortable with high notes. When I perform in loud spaces I can’t usually hear myself which forces me to stay in the low register since I am an alto. But in the space we have, I can hear. It’s quieter so it sounds like when I’m home singing. With that being the feeling, I’m sure I can master high notes and kill it even more. I’ve snuck some in these last couple of shows. But I’m really trying to be vocal gymnast. Anyways. I’m so happy and this year has started off amazingly well.

Keep going.

I find social media to be pretty negative lately

idk what happened. I don’t think it use to be like this. I don’t remember having this general feeling towards it. But now, I just feel like social media is pretty negative. especially twitter.

It’s a lot of people speaking bad things over their own lives or worried about the drama of someone else. There’s a lot of pain and confusion. I kinda wish there was a positive social media app where idk posts gotta stay light and happy and maybe thats too unrealistic or fake? idk but i tend to think im genuinely a happy person. I like making posts about love art, growth etc. I try not to speak down publicly or disclose my woes. I find that isn’t good and usually those people tend to be the red flag themselves. But i bring all this up to say if I know i post like this, then there are probably others.

FB as old as it is actually is a mostly positive place for me. My friends and the groups I follow are all good. So its a bunch of funny stuff or growth stuff. Idk I need that. I need to find something because I don’t want the negativity of the apps to start affecting me. i want to wake up with positive reinforcement first. Maybe I should change my phone home screen to some kind words to myself. Things I want for my future and will have.

You’re dope.

You are amazing.

You will continue to be successful.

You will have what you desire.

You are fantastical and your differences are great.

Wow. so much has changed and yet so much remains

I haven’t written on this blog in 5 years. but wow looking back I’m so proud of me for not giving up. It gives me hope with my current situation.

Let me catch this page up to date. I moved to a different country. Ha I left so that I could have community and simple laughs. But also so I could have a castle and have the home of my dreams. I got adopted. Yep my family is truly my family. No more worrying if my default folks are gonna show up. I achieved my goal of living in New York. I was there for 3 years. Yep and even had my dream loft absolutely. Lastly I made a lot of money in the sense that I could travel at the drop of a dime or buy a kitty game chair. I read so many of my past posts and wow I was struggling so much with everything. People, myself, my art, understanding.

But in 5 years I became mini famous. My work has been in multiple museums and now is in a permanent collection. I got to experience being a singer. I’ve performed in Barcelona, and my current home. I’m part of a few college curriculums and even have been in people’s thesis. I’ve been traveled to so many places. I became a public speaker. Haha I’ve been on Disney Channel! isn’t that crazy. I was giving it my all and so much has come to pass but oh. I want to do so sos ososososososososososo much more.

Maybe that’s why I found this and started writing again. I am in another period of change. I feel odd and a little lost. Even with so many changes there are things I still struggle with. Romantic love, unfortunately being one. But also maybe consistency in some areas and what to do next. I currently don’t know what is next for me career wise. But I can tell you what I want.

I want to be able to make my own music, sing my own songs and people travel to hear me. Specifically me and how I want to present myself. I don’t want to sing covers unless I choose to and when I do I want it to be my arrangement. 2. I want to make things that kids and other youthful souls even adults with childlike wonder can enjoy. I love creating with bright colors with meanings and tell deeper stories. I want to be able to do that continuously and in an environment that is welcoming and supportive. 3. I want to have passive income from my work. I have made some great things but have only made money from them in sells or me directly actively engaging. I want to not have to engage and still make money.

I actually was going to attempt to make a fourth but this pretty much covers it. I made the most money ever last year. I would love to make that and more. But I feel that goal is within the 3 already written. This is what I want for myself. It feels good to fully write it out. Perhaps I can break them down into smaller goals like I did before to move here. It took 3 years but everything I wanted I did including moving all of my belongings from the states to here. So yea I know what I want to be next. However I don’t know exactly how it will happen. I have some ideas for getting the music thing going and I imagine I can just apply to some jobs that fit the category. Although so far the best things for me have been personalized to me. So while I may apply to some companies, I wonder if what I seek is something I must create.

It’s been a while

since I put feelings in words.

But I’m lonely and I find that words are all I have. In the midst of tears and bad thoughts they claim we shouldn’t have. I have words. I wish I wasn’t so messed up. That my exterior was the reason keeping others from loving my interior. I wish we weren’t so visual or that I was more. a visualization. I don’t want to be this sad beneath it all. I don’t want my feelings to be complex.

My goal is to be simple.
I am a lot.
My goal is to be simple.
I am a lot.

To be wanted…

I’m 26 and for the first time tonight I made out with a stranger in a club.

Years before, I think I was one of those judgmental hating ass women. Using Christianity as my reason and excuse. I use to think of myself as higher than the girls who made out with random men. In reality I was probably just jealous. Envious of the life they got to live. As a bigger girl, I’m not often times danced with. I’m not often seen as attractive. I’m not the chosen one, even tho I dance as if God was watching. I am not the one. So It was nice to be wanted. To have an attractive man want me and just me. To ask for a kiss. To press my hands against his…. It was nice to be wanted. As I often times forget that I am soft. That my lips melt to whatever they’re pressed against. I forgot that my breasts love to lay across another. Adapting to a body that isn’t mine. I forgot that my voice caresses words like lullaby’s whenever I’m aroused. That it drops to an octave of candle lit dinners. I forgot that I am soft…
But it was nice to be reminded.

I am wanted.

I am soft.

1. June

Hey blog,

So I know it’s been a while and I apologize. But I took 6 months off to go on a wild adventure…I didn’t expect so much to happen but it did..so I guess I’ll just spend the next weeks telling you about it. Tho.. I must hurry because come January something big will be happening….

Month 1. June

So I walked. Not graduated. Just walked. I still had two classes to finish in the summer but because my school is gracious, they allowed me to walk at the end of May. It was lovely. The school went all out. They had people dropping from ceilings as the-then popular song Geronimo played. Confetti filled the air as I screamed of happiness and accomplishment. I was done. I’d never have to walk through the halls again, unless by choice.

But ya know even though I was exuberant, celebrations always bring the realizations that I don’t have my own family. People hugged and cried. Families took pictures and gave flowers. I had a moment where I just looked around and watched. I brought a friend, but he knew everyone and was busy taking pics with them. I shouldn’t have been upset, but I was. I wanted someone there just for me…

After saying goodbyes and hugging many for the last time, I got on the bus. We were headed back to campus. I figured I’d just go home. But some friends called me and scooped me up to go with them. Their families took them out to dinner. They were my closet friends so I was glad to be in attendance…but I cant lie I felt alone. Crying now, I can still feel the emptiness. At that moment I wished, as I do now, that celebrations weren’t a big deal. That accomplishments were just apart of life. Because every time I achieve something…no one close is there. It’s just me.

I left that night and began getting my life together. I had landed a spot in the Leo Burnett summer internship. I was ecstatic! Apparently 6,000 people had applied. But I was one of 70 who actually made it. I set up a GoFundMe to get the money to go because I was broke of course. But by the grace of God and great friends I got enough to survive and move to Chicago.

See, I wasn’t going to get my first paycheck until June 30th, so without my friends I wouldn’t have made it. I really do have great friends…sigh. Upon arrival I stayed at a friend of a friend’s apartment/house. Her place was about an hour away from the office. So up bright an early I was. There on that first day. I was Pokemon’d out. Had to  represent cause I was going to be myself no matter what. Little did I know the pokeball keychain had so much to do with my future…

Waiting to press play

It claws at my sleep.
It disrupts my thoughts.
It’s presence is heavy.

Graduation calls.

——————————————————————
2 weeks.
That’s how long I have until I walk across the stage.
2 weeks.
But as my time shortens, I cant help but feel uneasy.
I don’t feel prepared.

I’ve spent all this time in school learning about
everything but what I might get hired for.
Writing. My faithful love.
When I’m at my lowest the pen appears by my side.
It’s silent therapy eases me. Calls me to speak.
I remember my first poetry slam. I was fed up. Hurt.
My writing had urged me to read it, feel it.
Usher my unspoken thoughts into the world.
Finally be heard.
I’d hesitated scared of the action, but my fear was weak.
So I did it. A stage appearance.
It was exhilarating and freeing, but ultimately I was terrified.

I’m reminded of that feeling now. I don’t know what I’m doing.
But I have so much to give. I have so much inside. I just need to find
my lane, or create one. So I gotta have faith. Faith that I’ll find my
shot in the world. Faith that it’ll be whats meant.
Though until then I pray and wait. Work and pray.
Smile and wait. Pray again.

2 weeks… That’s all I have. Then my life truly begins.

———————————————————————

It claws at my sleep.
It disrupts my thoughts.
It’s presence is heavy.

Graduation calls.